HOW I FINALLY FORGAVE THE LITTLE ME AND FOUND PEACE.
Few years ago, I was a shy little girl with a crippling self esteem who craved so much external validation that she sacrificed her needs to please people. I found it hard to say the two lettered word “NO!”. I basically did not have boundaries. I tolerated so much bullshit that I was said to be nice.
I remember one time when I left my diary in my schoolbag and my then classmate had taken it out to read. I remember a voice in my head, telling me to scream at her to drop it. Another voice told me to squash that notion, at least that meant she could get to know the real me and that reacting would make her think I was mean and had anger issues.
Of course, it didn’t mean a thing to her. She read my diary with her friends like it was a story book. And she did say mean things about me soon after.
For every single time I kept my cool and smiled, I punched the walls of my room vigorously in anger and screamed. I wanted to run and scream into vacuum but unfortunately, I never had the opportunity or I was just a coward.
The taunts and teasing that I looked way older than my age did not make it better. I felt miserable every time they said that but I did not speak up about how horrible and insensitive it was. I smiled rather lest I get called out for having anger issues.
I bought some foundation amd other beauty products to appear more beautiful. I cried myself to sleep, praying that I’d wake up more beautiful. I’d wake up the next morning and run to the mirror. I would start to cry as soon as I saw that I looked the same.
I finally found the courage to speak up during my last year of high school and I did. I remember the next morning I walked into the classroom. There was chaos and a lot of gaslighting. Apparently, everything that had happened so far was all a figment of my imagination. The ones I thought were my friends weren’t there when I needed them except one. Another said she understood my plight but never spoke up.
Two years later, I had grown into a vibrant lady. I was more outspoken and made sure to never be at the receiving end of any taunts. That however had taken a lot of work.
Shortly after graduation, I read lots of self help books. I isolated myself and began to learn about me. I called it my soul searching journey. I studied psychology, read about people and discovered the Myer Briggs Personality Types (MBTI).
I found out that I was an empath and that was a curse packaged in a blessing. I found my identity and sense of self. I loved it. I worked on myself and raised the bar for those who got to stay in my life. I refused to tolerate toxicity.
However, there was a shadow hovering. I had some issues. I hated thinking about the past. Sometimes, random memories of the past popped in my mind. It could be anywhere or anytime but I cringed every single time. It became a bother.
I thought I had overcome the past and become a new me. I hated it. I resented that little girl who let them make her feel less than, ugly and a doormat. She should have spoken up. She should have given the middle finger earlier. I wished I could go back in time and advise her but life sucks. It never gave that chance.
My first day in my university, I don’t know why I called a former classmate who also got admitted with me. She also had her fair share of bullying and body shaming. We’d known each other forever but we were never close. We moved in different circles but one thing we had in common; being at the bottom chain, though different branches.
We had both grown, now hardened by the rough edges of high school. Comrades we were, we developed a friendship built on our pain, experiences and growth.
That eventful day, we were seated in a fancy office, courtesy of her sister. Somehow we started talking about our experiences as high school students. We didn’t know when we started to cry. It felt refreshing to finally talk about it and with someone who understood.
I don’t know who exactly did but one of us commented on how we hadn’t forgiven the little girls in us. We had been lamenting about how stupid we were to tolerate so much disrespect. I remember saying, “I forgive you, Grace.”
I felt so much peace and light after tremendous darkness. I haven’t burnt the bridges yet but at least, now I can look at it without cringing. I laugh with the little me now instead of berating her.